Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
The Big Reset
Whether you agree with it or not, we are all in lockdown mode. I find myself facing a few introspective questions:
- How do I amuse myself?
- What should we have for dinner times infinity?
- Do I need to get ready if no one will be seeing me ( akin to a falling tree making a sound if no one is in the forest)
Maybe we needed this psychological reset where we use technology to bring us closer to people rather than to avoid them. I am inspired by all of the group video settings bringing classrooms, colleagues and concerts together in virtual reality. This time of sequestering has shown us that we really do need one another. That’s rather uplifting in itself.
My youngest college student came home. That was a bonus too. It’s a great reminder of the perks of parenting. We have shared so many good memories worth revisiting and the sound of laughter of a loved one in the home is priceless.
There’s also the fact that so many of us are running ourselves ragged on little fuel…forcing movement without sleeping enough, eating very well or pausing for these deeper human interactions. We were all forced to stop in our tracks and look around,discover where we are and where we need to reposition.
I’m considering this the big reset not because of economics or politics but because it may just be that taking a breather was a necessity for a life more fulfilled with the things that truly matter…our loved ones, our health, and a willingness to cooperate better with one another.
I truly hope we come out of this stronger and wiser and especially with greater empathy. I’m proud of my community efforts and of the population in general for taking this time to think about everyone’s wellbeing. I hope we can feel united again.
Tear fall For the Giving Pug
A puppy waddled into my life when I was sick and often housebound by Meniere’s disease. I call them the lost years. A time that I struggled to find everyday joy.
But here was this adorable puppy that one daughter toted around in a baby carrier and another daughter hid in beanie babies and dressed in build a Bear clothes. And I chased that puppy on a hillside of ivy to potty train even when I could barely walk steady. She kept me going. She made me smile.
Moves are hard on kids. A home is disrupted. Familiarity is interrupted. There is the task of finding a new comfort. Friendships, doctors, neighbors and a new community to stake a place. Then there is the dog that loves the exploration, the new attention and continues to play like the game never stopped.
We got sweet Jojo because our pug Otie was getting older and we knew our time with him was limited. We hoped a new dog would bring us comfort when we had to say goodbye and Jojo did just that.
My daughters grew up and moved away to college and that was a very tough transition for me. But there was Jojo providing me with the same silly sounds and antics and keeping a very lonely mom company while she mourned.
As Jojo aged, so did I and I began to appreciate her presence even more. She followed me room to room. She gave me the eye when she needed to go out. She barked for breakfast and lunch. She just kept me smiling and steadied my often lonely thoughts. And then she got sick.
So I got that pet stroller and we walked all we could to drink in the sunshine and share the quiet moments in contentment. And now I wish her an eternity of her sweet dog dreams where her paws anxiously wave and her barks are soft and sweet. And she basks in the love that she provided us during all of her dog years.
Solitude
When the kids were home and my husband was away, I still had company to direct most of my moments. There seemed to always be errands to run or someone to drive to practice. But now that they’re gone I find myself with more and more solitary moments.
At first I rushed to fill in these time gaps. I would begin projects like making wreaths or organizing closets. Sometimes I would schedule projects on my calendar so my time was well spent. I was encouraged by how much I could get done on my own!
But time marched ahead and the projects began to fizzle out. I thought I should focus more on working out and staying in shape. Long beach walks were followed by strength training at the gym. Group classes were eventually added in. I was definitely busy but also rather drained.
Finally I’ve realized that I don’t have to fill this solitary bucket with stuff. It feels good to sometimes do nothing. I can linger on a walk and listen to the rustling breeze or ocean waves. I can lay in bed and watch funny pet videos. I can just sit.
It used to be hard for me to sit. I would consider that I could be vacuuming. I could be folding laundry. I could be organizing closets or making wreaths! I don’t think I’m ready for the front porch rocking chair, but I can finally entertain the idea of pausing during the day.
This extra time is not something that I always have to fill. It’s a time to renew. It just took awhile to grant myself permission.
Oracle Mom
I think most moms have experienced moments where they notice that something is not quite right with their child’s emotions or actions. Something is off.
You take them to the doctor, for instance, knowing they have an ear infection. The doctor is skeptical because there is no fever. But you know. You suspect strep throat also without a fever. You know your child.
As teens they may become solemn or withdrawn. They will say everything is okay but you know there’s been a rift among friends or some event to cause anxiety. They don’t always like to talk about it. Reading your child’s body language and noticing different habits becomes critical.
Sometimes we forget how much anxiety a young person can experience. I remember having a feeling that I should go to my high schooler’s teacher conference…..a time when most parents have handed the torch off to the parents of younger students. When I attended that high school teacher conference I gathered information that helped me to guide better. I had no idea a writing assignment could cause such anxiety. An insight to an insight and all based on a feeling.
My mom used to tell me that she had eyes in the back of her head. But I think she described this intuition of something is wrong with my child.
Those feelings still exist with our adult children. It may be too long between phone calls or their unwillingness to share what’s going on in their lives. And our role is different. Often they just want a listener, someone to help carry that albatross until they figure out how to release it.
An Oracle mom can’t always solve a problem but she can see one in the making. And just like kissing her small child’s boo boo, she can offer support and encouragement to help weather the storm .
My Babies Left So I Got A Pet Stroller
I see a lot of new and seasoned empty nesters turn to their pets to help the void when the kids are gone. That is not to say that they are a replacement, but that they help fulfill that still existent need to nurture. We can look after them, have fun together and even worry over them.
Although I’m an avid walker and Fitbit addict, my dogs are not capable of long walks. They both have hip and leg issues. In addition to my pug, Jojo, I have an English bulldog, Jango. He is sure to be featured in a future blog with his big personality and silly antics.
But poor Jojo was a bit under the weather over the holidays. She is 14 years old and it’s hard for her to participate in too much play. I decided to get her a pet stroller. I see many pets in dog strollers here in Florida and while it may seem amusing, the dogs really enjoy being out and about. I do realize that this is comical to many onlookers but I’ve reached a point in life where I don’t mind being characterized as the crazy pug lady.
I read a few articles about which strollers are best. I contemplated getting one large enough for both dogs. The large strollers are a lot more expensive. I also thought that Jojo might enjoy some time without Jango hogging attention and space. So I opted for this Pet Gear model just for her. It was fairly easy to assemble although the rear wheel assembly took me a couple of tries to figure out.
I gave it a test run in the house so Jojo could get acclimated. Then I had to wait for a sunny day! And off we went. I could not believe we ran into another pug in a stroller within 5 minutes! It turns out that Jojo makes friends way easier than I do. Almost everyone stopped to chat. I did get a few giggles and a shout out of “ Your baby is cute!” All in good fun.
Jojo stood shakily at first but she took in all of the smells and sights. She got her stroller footing in no time. Her tail wagged the whole time. I think she enjoyed the sightseeing so much that she didn’t want to sit down. Near the end of the walk she finally laid down but kept her head up to see. Now I look forward to walking the neighborhood with her and I’m super excited for my young nieces to visit and get to push Jojo in her stroller.
Out Of The Shadows
After reading my self help books and reflecting a lot lately on striving for inner peace, personal growth and individual fulfillment, I’ve realized that I’ve been following footsteps.
It’s not a blame game. I seek only to become more self aware. Walking out of the shadows for me is a metamorphosis and a realization that I can cast my own shadow. It’s time to contemplate which way to wander. It’s time to lead my own personal journey.
Up until now I’d been taking someone else’s lead. My mom’s footsteps were strong and loud. I felt safe in their wake. My husband’s footsteps are careful and sure. They make me feel grounded. My daughters’ footsteps are precarious but exciting. They make me feel needed and exhilarated and for awhile they made me feel fulfilled. But now I stand in the clearing with the sun above and a quietness in the air figuring out which way to cast my own shadow. Instead of following others and supporting them in their paths, I seek a path all of my own. This is a big journey for me that perhaps many of you have already taken. For me it is a giant new threshold and the door is quite heavy to open.
No one told me that I was going in the wrong direction. I never pondered that I could be supportive to the most important people in my life while also supporting and nurturing my own self growth. Instead I happily walked alongside others, forgetting to seek out a path that was separate. Then it just appeared while walking…..this giant clearing where there were no shadows but my own and it was up to me to step in some self propelled direction.
Change is terrifying. I certainly don’t feel very sure footed. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all of the possibilities and the realization that only I can push open the door to this new world of being. There is a gentle push within. There are whispers telling me to try something new…to take chances….to journey where my own feet take me and to strive for my own direction. It is a process. It is a responsibility to myself to forge a path of my own. And it is a great calling to this empty nester to emerge out of the shadows.
“The Year of No Nonsense” Thoughts and Review
Overview/Premise: The Year of No Nonsense
I purchased this book on my never-ending self exploration about why it is so difficult for me to accomplish some goals even though I consider myself to be a very task oriented person.
“The Year Of No Nonsense” by Meredith Atwood is about the soul searching journey of a mom that found herself dangling precariously from the entanglements of life. She achieved a career as a lawyer and became a successful triathlete but still felt unfulfilled and unhappy. The book is about her journey to discover what really mattered to her self growth. I loved her honesty and well….her “no nonsense” approach. The author is very raw about her personal journey and it was easy to relate to her examples of getting off track when it comes to personal goals and self satisfaction. These obstacles include social media, too much people pleasing, and neglecting to evaluate what we really value in our own lives. Life gets messy but you can clean it up! This is a great how to for getting rid of all of the “extras” in life and sticking to what matters and what contributes to your best whole self.
Start with the End
At the end of each chapter, she poses some questions to ask of yourself and lies the groundwork for a map of self exploration. I would recommend reading that last chapter about mapping your journey first, so that the questions are understood for their larger purpose.
On mind maps
I personally enjoy mind maps. I made a mind map when I started this blog! It’s a great visual that works as a quick guide and reminder of why you are doing what you are doing. There are many apps for mind maps. The one I used in my blog was developed from an app called Canva.
Final thoughts
*back stops – I loved the idea of these. You can read about them in her last chapter. Basically, they are a reminder to yourself of things that are positive for you. When everything else may seem to spiral out of control, you can remind yourself of what is still positive so that you can curtail the spinout.
*everyone is doing the best they can – I loved this reminder to give others, as well as ourselves, a break. While realizing that we all have room for self improvement, she reminds us that sometimes we’re just doing the best we can in that moment.
Peace v joy – The idea of seeking happiness can seem overwhelming if at all possible. We can’t always be happy. Those are fleeting moments. We can’t always predict when they will occur. I liked the idea of focusing more on being at peace with ourselves. When we make inner peace our goal, we are actually allowing ourselves more opportunities for joy. It’s really about a love affair with yourself ❤️
Where Is My Teddy Bear?
Where is my teddy bear?
(Things that comfort us
After we’ve been the comforter
And still fill that role)
College kids need comforting too. There are the late night calls, the cryptic texts or worse….the week of no contact which is a big red flag ! These are all signs that a hug is needed in the form of calming words or just a familiar voice. And it feels good to be the comforting force, that shoulder to lean on or to cry on, the landing strip for the SOS. “They still need us!” we tell ourselves with deep satisfaction.
But what about us? Where do we get our comfort? It seems like an easy question but I’ve found myself grappling for ways to “get through” some of those particularly trying days.
Back when our kids were home, we didn’t have time for this self based contemplation. We were too busy tying shoes, planning activities, driving to events – let me pause here because there was A LOT of driving- and giving hugs and encouragement at every stage. We were the teddy bear! But now we have more time to reflect and so much time to miss them. So i ask, where is my teddy bear? What comforts me?
The list starts easy enough….my husband comforts me. My dogs give me emotional support. Walking the beach is calming. Obviously writing is an outlet. But what is it that really slows the tears and lessens the pain and gets me taking deep breaths so i can move forward. And then it hit me…….my dad. MY PARENT! He’s the one who can lift my spirit and magically transport me to my former child self (you know the one: that pre adulting form).
Our kids can comfort us too but the idea here is how to treat the pain of their absence when we can’t be with them and possibly can’t connect with them at the moment. Take the time to consider ways of feeling home within.
I can’t overlook the comfort foods like my mom’s spaghetti and meatballs. Thank goodness she gave me that recipe. I can picture myself at the dinner table with her. There are the meals that I enjoyed preparing with the kids or the meals that were their favorites. Apart from all of our special comfort foods, sometimes it’s reassuring just to have the presence of someone while watching tv or sleeping. Dogs can help here too! And oh so many memories. I’m sure all of us have images that easily flash into our minds of our kids as children. Hold on to those memories that transport you to a safe and special place in time. I particularly adore the memories that put an instant smile on my face like the magic of a Christmas morning. It’s good to have a memory on file that causes you to laugh spontaneously and make people glance suspiciously your way.
Where is my teddy bear? In the phone calls with my dad; on the couch next to the dogs; on the beach walks near the ocean waves and in the back roads of the memories of my mind (Gentle On My Mind – The Band Perry , Lyrics and possible meanings )
Where is your teddy bear?
Where We Stand
Where we stand
In the places we linger
By the doorway
By the counter
Next to the refrigerator
In front of the stove
This is where the dirt collects
And grimy grease spots suggest
Something dropped
Or something dragged in
Not intentionally
But there you see
In spots and dots and skids
Those places we stand
Where we bring the outside in
No matter how much we dust ourselves off
Or wash our hands
Or shine our shoes
Those spots still follow us
They linger like trails of instances
And they tell us who to be and where to stand.
I WROTE THIS after wiping a spot on the floor in front of my refrigerator. I was reflecting on how moments follow us…even those we would rather leave behind. It could be something small or something tragic.
All of our reactions flow into the wakes of our steps. They can have a snowball effect if not addressed, rolling over future actions if ignored. All of those things we don’t like to talk about…the ickies…the elephants in the rooms…the tough breaks to face. They are right there under our feet.
We want to make a clean break; a getaway. I know I’ve had days where I’ve been in my car and daydreamed of driving on until the horizon somehow looked different and easier on the eyes. There must be a place where these “things” can be lost. It seems, however, that they cannot be lost and that we have to sort through them in some manner.
My mom explained to me once that the bad things that happen are just as important as the good things. Together it all shapes us and resides in our being. So it’s important to try to accept it all and receive the knowledge. Even if the knowledge is to never let that happen again! Or permission to allow ourselves to grieve and to be vulnerable.
I don’t think of a new year as a clean slate, but I do think that it is a good time to reflect on what last year taught us and how we can see the horizon with eyelids that are a little less heavy.
…I was thinking, as I cleaned the spots in front of my refrigerator, that the dust is never finished settling.
Fly Away Home
Hello airport my old friend! I’ve come to fly from you again….
Flying has become a familiar ritual to me over the past few years with two flown college kids, a recently relocated brother-in-law and a different state of origin for my husband than for me. Plus we are transplants to Florida. The bottom line is that we have to travel to see any family member and most of our cherished friends.
I have some special habits for this flying ritual.
#1. I must wear pants. Shorts may seem like a comfortable travel option in summer but I don’t like my legs to touch the plane seat. I’m not really a germaphobe. I just don’t like that scratchy feeling. There is another thing about shorts….they ride up. You may have selected a perfectly modest length but when you sit down those shorts suddenly cling to you like a diaper.
#2. Comfortable shoes. I am a Fitbit fanatic and to this type of person steps only count if they are documented in the Fitbit app. I get a feeling of accomplishment in watching this number rise. It’s the little things…
Because of this habit, I try desperately to get steps in at airports by doing laps around each gate while I await boarding time. Otherwise I’ve noticed that travel days end in a slump of 2 to 3 thousand steps. Since performing these airport loops, I’m still able to make my goal.
#3. I have a travel backpack for my laptop. It is necessary to take my laptop on all of my travels since I work from home. It’s a very convenient circumstance while at home but it’s a bit challenging during travel. At first I purchased a briefcase for travel and thought I would look very glam professional. As it turns out, gripping a 10 plus pound briefcase makes your fingers go numb and your carrying arm scream at you for a few days. So now I have a backpack to hold my 17” laptop and folders of references. It is rather heavy and my shoulders sometimes get sore afterwards but it’s a big improvement from the numb fingers and aggravated carrying arm. It also leaves me hands free which I love.
These are the steps I take to reach the loved ones in my life that are separated from me by miles. Texting may bridge the time gaps but it is no replacement for looking my daughters in the eyes, and visually drinking in their presence. It makes me feel whole again. There is an indescribable calmness when the family gathers. That’s what home feels like. It’s not a single place. It is an arrival to belonging. You go there in your heart.
Safe travels
traveling pants (my favorite joggers)
Good Luck Magpie 